What’s A Mother
To Do?
Primary Responsibilities for
The Mother of The Groom
The Mother of the Bride When given the opportunity,
most mothers want to assist in the wedding. The primary role for
the mothers is to make certain the “Brides Wishes” are carried out --
unless it is the bride’s true wish to have the mom(s) do it for
her. With my two daughters, it was feast and famine for my input.
One daughter wanted me on overload, and the other wished me away from
decisions and do. Both weddings were equally wonderful and I learned
a valuable lesson on letting go.
The following etiquette outlines for the mothers may be of some assistance
to the bride who is afraid to put a hole in the dam for fear the flood
will come and be uncontrollable. Just print this out and adhere to
the possibilities -- or forget going there. After all, you are the
Bride and you know what you want.
Advice for Moms -- Even if you are an expert
at planning, it pays to bow out unless asked and even then, only
what is asked for. Tough one, huh? I’ve heard it all. Many of us moms deal with children
who have a history of procrastination, don’t know what a budget
is? Can’t make decisions and there are thousands of decisions
in this!! Have been dreaming about her/his wedding day all your life.
Remember it is THEIR wedding not Yours -- even if you are paying the
bills. Many people hire an event coordinator for this very reason --
to be the buffer zone.
THE MOTHER OF THE BRIDE
With the exception of 2nd marriages or couples paying for their own
wedding/reception, the Mother is considered the HOSTESS and the Father
the HOST throughout the wedding day’s events.
Help the bride select her wedding attire: This require looking at,
discussing fabrics versus time of year, necklines, magazines, on-line
views and seeing her in various gowns she has pre-selected. It does
not mean endless shopping, arguments, or you sewing her dress over
the next six months.
Assist in Understanding and Completion of the Wedding Budget ~ The
Ingredients
Brainstorm who can pay for what, what funds will be needed, the number
of guests. A good clear budget will help everyone achieve a more relaxed
situation. This may require agreements from fathers, stepfathers, future
in-laws, relatives and providing relatives and friends.
Reservations at hotels for the out of town guests invited
by the brides family - not the grooms family.
In today’s world we see this being handled in the pre-announcements of “save
the date” with hotels to contact as part of the text.
Choosing your own gown. Discuss with the bride what colors she is
planning for the wedding, after this ask if she has a preference on
the colors the mothers will wear. Most brides defer this choice to
their mom to discuss and advise the mother-in-law. Most mothers do
not wear the same colors, but try to compliment the family photographs.
Attend one or more showers for the bride, but do not feel you have
to have a gift for each one. A card will suffice. Do not be offended
if not asked to all showers.
Review the ceremony concerns with the bride and
minister, coordinator or church hostess. This includes the seating,
outline of the ceremony. If there is a reception line (brides choice)
where and when this will be placed in the day’s routine. The
seating schedule for the wedding and reception will offer suggestions
and guidance. The bride may request ahead that the mother make certain
of her specific needs.
The escort and seating of the bride’s mother.
She may be taken down the aisle by a son, friend or usher, preferable
dressed accordingly -- with husband walking behind. She may be seated
in the first or second aisle - depending on visibility. If divorced
the bride’s father
and guests are seated two or three rows behind. The bride’s father
can also be taking the bride down the aisle and sit either beside the
bride’s mother or back with his guest. [ this depends on their
decision] this is not the bride’s decision.
The mother prior to the ceremony may request a private
time with her daughter and specific photos. The mother should expect
that any car she is delivered to the church or ceremony in - is clean
and not have to deliver herself - unless her choice.
The mothers during the ceremony - may light candles.
THE MOTHER OF THE GROOM
In the absence of a mother of the bride, the mother of the groom may
take on some of the responsibilities and assist the bride in any
manner she welcomes.
While considered a secondary position, this really
is not, because it can set the tone between the groom’s mother and the bride
for years to come. Your first commitment is to get hold of the brides
family and introduce yourself and spouse to the bride’s parents.
You can achieve a time together over dinner or at a restaurant to meet
with or without the children.
If it is impossible to visit with one another then write a nice letter,
send some family photos and welcome them to your family along with
their daughter.
If you can call at a later date to stay abreast of what is going on and give
everyone your e-mail to stay in the loop. Couples are now posting web pages
for family members to check in to. This brings people closer.
Your next important task is to ready your guest list with proper,
addresses, zips, phone numbers, e-mails so the couple can work on their
budget and invitations. It is always important to ask the number of
guests you may include. Clairify if the number is in couples or individual
numbers.
If there is something you specifically want to pay for in the wedding
that is not being done by the bride or her family, then offer this.
Sometimes the honeymoon is offered by the parents of the groom or to
begin a travel gift registry with some funds.
Some things you should not try to provide - Your personal
services to bake cakes, complete food without being there a few days
ahead. Traveling 3,000 miles with 200 party favors is easier than the
grooms cake.
The bride’s mother will select her dress and give you information
on the colors chosen. Long, short, tea length or what the bride’s
guidelines are.
You may be invited to several showers for the bride, but you do not
have to bring gifts to all, nor attend, but send a card. It is very
nice if you can go to at least one shower to meet friends and family.
You are responsible for out of town reservations
for the groom’s
side, planning the rehearsal dinner for a small number of guests --
usually 20-50. This can be simple or splendid. But again, it is designed
with your son and bride’s wishes. You and your husband are considered
the hosts and pay for this. It is important you attend the rehearsal
to go over the outline for the ceremony.
Your escort down the aisle can be your son/groom or a dear friend
and the husband walks directly behind as you go down the aisle. If
divorced, he will have been seated ahead of you one or two aisles behind
with his guest/family.
Often both mothers are asked to light candles prior to the ceremony.
If there is a reception line, you are requested
to participate with the groom’s father in this line.
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